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Jokes
Dec 3, 2007 10:30:24 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 3, 2007 10:30:24 GMT -5
We all know that there are jokes between the branches...feel free to share them here...and remember...it's all in good fun!!
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Jokes
Dec 4, 2007 8:00:49 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 4, 2007 8:00:49 GMT -5
sort of cheesy, but it made me laugh... A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on." The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?" taken from: www.military-quotes.com/jokes/index.htm
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Jokes
Dec 6, 2007 21:12:09 GMT -5
Post by Erwin Rommel on Dec 6, 2007 21:12:09 GMT -5
haha! Thought this was pretty funny
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
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Jokes
Dec 6, 2007 21:54:51 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 6, 2007 21:54:51 GMT -5
lol
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 15:39:34 GMT -5
Post by hrdrok on Dec 9, 2007 15:39:34 GMT -5
haha
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 19:12:36 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 9, 2007 19:12:36 GMT -5
The Barber Shop In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt. That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note. That same day, a Navy Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Chiefs! taken from www.timjacobs.com/military_humor.htm#The%20Barber%20Shop
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 19:22:59 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 9, 2007 19:22:59 GMT -5
remember these are all in good fun! Military Oaths of Enlistment All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon re-enlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff: U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God! U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the Military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training" <snicker I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So Help Me God! U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune! U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear....uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....ugh...Air Force Women....OORAH! So Help Me CORPS! _______________________ Thumb Print www.timjacobs.com/military_humor.htm#The%20Barber%20Shop
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 19:33:51 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 9, 2007 19:33:51 GMT -5
Rules for Gunfights US Marine Corp Rules for Gunfights 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4." 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 11. Always cheat; always win; The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. In ten years, nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived. 13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating. Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfights 1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 2. Kill every living thing within view. 3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear. 4. Check hair in mirror. US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfights 1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving. 2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing. 4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving. Army Rules For Gunfights 1. Select a new beret to wear 2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder 3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear US Air Force Rules For Gunfights 1. Have a cocktail 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner 3. See what's on HBO 4. Determine "what is a gunfight" 5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation 6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & defense industry executives 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets 8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally 9. Ask the Navy to send the Marines US Navy Rules For Gunfights 1. Go to Sea 2. Drink Coffee 3. Watch porn 4. Send the Marines www.timjacobs.com/military_humor.htm
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 19:46:17 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 9, 2007 19:46:17 GMT -5
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office. I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 United States Marines in full dress, with M-16s, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing President. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated. Every last one of them missed..... usmilitary.about.com/od/militaryhumor/a/usmcsalute.htm
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 20:08:19 GMT -5
Post by hrdrok on Dec 9, 2007 20:08:19 GMT -5
HAHAHAHAHA! LMAO!
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2007 21:41:17 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 9, 2007 21:41:17 GMT -5
thought yall might like those! haha
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2007 17:22:12 GMT -5
Post by DougKendig on Dec 15, 2007 17:22:12 GMT -5
OMG This is Hilarious! ... Yer killin me here...
-Construction worker LMAO!
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2007 20:56:54 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 15, 2007 20:56:54 GMT -5
Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others." www.ahajokes.com/war011.html
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2007 20:59:04 GMT -5
Post by melody on Dec 15, 2007 20:59:04 GMT -5
Misunderstanding terms One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. www.ahajokes.com/war027.html
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2007 21:11:36 GMT -5
Post by DougKendig on Dec 15, 2007 21:11:36 GMT -5
BAH HAH HAH HA HA HA HA ( I thought you was gonna say the Airforce would just hit it with a MOAB ..LMAO!
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